In the ICU

I just returned from a visit to the ICU. Dad continues to show signs of improvement, though he had an episode of pain last evening. The staff increased is epidural and the pain abated. He had some physical therapy yesterday that may have caused the problem. They took him off oxygen this morning, so one less tube. I took him his razor so he could shave.

This afternoon we were visited by someone from Dr. Louie’s office, Kathy I think was her name, who said Dad was doing splendidly and that the doctor was still planning a 10-day length of stay. We also met with the home care representative and learned more about what will be involved. We’ll do more concrete planning for equipment needs 3-4 before discharge.

Dad should we moved from ICU sometime tomorrow (as soon as he’s off some of the meds helping with the healing of his new inner plumbing).

I’m going to return to Port Townsend after my morning visit tomorrow and return to Seattle sometime this weekend.

S-Day

The day began at 4:30 so Dad and I could be down at Swedish by 6:00. That’s “A.M.” in both cases. Dad’s pastor from his church was there, as were Bob, Kristen and Trevor (the old Swedish veteran). I left him in the care of the surgical nurse about 7:30 and surgery began at 9:10. The OR nurse got my cell number and gave me updates as things proceeded, and Dr. Louie came down about 2:30 and gave us his great news that all was well. Stephan, Sarah, Nolan, Shannon, Sherry and Meaghan arrived after surgery started and everyone was a great help to me. Harry (in Salt Lake) took the day off and it was reassuring to talk with him throughout the day.

I e-mailed and called everyone on Dad’s list. I’m pooped as I didn’t sleep much last night, so will try to start Ken Follet’s new book and relax. I’ll be returning to the ICU after nurses report in the morning.

Back home

We returned from Dad’s place yesterday afternoon. The news from his heart doctor was was encouraging from the perspective of his heart (it’s just fine), but Dr Albro said that the risk of the surgery itself was “substantial,” a word the other doctors haven’t used.

It is very difficult for me to see Dad in such poor physical condition on the exam table and to see him so confused. He is also very emotional now. We spent some time reminiscing about the past, his and mine. Mom and Grandpa Olson and stories about when “we” first moved our to the West Coast.  I’ve been walking the streets around his house, remembering my P-I paper route and walking to elementary, middle and high school. I was on memory overload and relieved to get back to Port Townsend. I lit the stove this morning and then Sherry, Allie and I went up to the clear cut for our morning walk. The sky was blue and we can see the foothills of the Olympics from where we walk.

 Dad sounded much better on the phone this morning.

Green lights

Today’s visit with the oncologist was strictly informational and could have been mailed to us. Dad heard from the heart doctor’s office this afternoon and they told him there is nothing to be worried about from them, so the surgery is on. This was very comforting to Dad. We still have the appointment tomorrow. Got to bill the service.

Dad got a VERY short haircut yesterday and looks more like a marine drill sergeant than an air force officer retired. High and tight!

Cancel that, if it’s Monday it’s Swedish

Dad and I saw Dr. Louie this afternoon and the surgery is now scheduled for Monday, October 29, at 0740 at Swedish (747 Main – Main Hospital). We’ll be arriving at 0600. Reason for the change was that Monday is the best day of the week for surgery and who wants it to happen on Halloween? The hospital stay is still an average of 10 days.

Early Wednesday morning of this week we have an appointment with Dr. Gold (oncologist) and on Thursday afternoon with Dr Albro (heart). Sherry and I are going over tomorrow and coing back to Port Townsend Thursday afternoon. The cats are considering legal action for lack of affection, but as long as their food bowl is empty can they really complain? Allie is a big fan of the travel because she gets Dad’s back yard to run in several times a day.

Some good news in the wind

The wind storm was sending the leaves swirling around as we left the Arnold Pavilion today, hearing some more hopeful news than to date. Dad’s tests today showed that they believe the cancer has not spread. The pictures today gave the surgeon some better pictures of how far up the esophagus the cancer is. The surgery is now scheduled for Wednesday, October 31 at Swedish. I will post pre-op details when we have them, probably after we talk with the surgeon next Monday.

 

Dad is in better spirits than this morning. Go Cleveland!

If it’s Monday, this must be the Polyclinic

Well, actually the Polyclinic on the 4th Floor of Swedish at 18th and Jefferson. The cardiology suite had some folks who were on the front page of the NY Times, getting the new about possible broken wires in their pacemakers. Dad had a Thallium stress test without the treadmill. I got to see his heart beating in living color on the monitor. Great techs, treated Dad very courteously. This was a bit more that he had thought in terms of being tired afterward.

It’s cold outside!

39 dgrees outside at 0700 this morning! I’ll be buttoning up the garden today and perhaps mow the lawn one more time. We had a cord of fir delivered last week to augment our stack of alder (we didn’t cut down any trees on the property this year). Yesterday I dropped the truck off at Les Schwab for new tires as it’s been limping along with “slicks.” I figured we’ll need to be able to drive two vehicles in the rain this winter.

Our metaphysical reading group started up last night after a summer break and we all shared what has been going on in our lives. We’ve been together for a couple of years now, currently finishing Awareness/A Way to Love by the Christian mystic Anthony de Mello. I picked up a love for his writing while at Seattle University.

Dad had two tests this week. The one on Wednesday was a pulmonary test, which I think we’ll find out about on the 19th. The Friday test was a PET scan to see if the cancer has spread.

This week he has a Thallium heart study on Monday and an endoscopy/ultrasound on Thursday. Both will be very tiring. I’ll be driving him to both procedures and spending Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights with him.

The following week we have another consult with Dr Louie on Monday the 22nd and Dr Gold, an oncologist, on Wednesday. Surgery is still scheduled for Thursday. I’ll be at his house except for Tuesday.

The difference now

I’ve experienced the loss of several people I’d consider close friends or relatives. The first was Don Henry, killed in action in August 1970. Don and I were stationed together fresh out of flight school at Hamilton AFB in 1968. We shared an apartment the last six months or so before we shipped out to the combat crew training pipeline. I remember being in the squadron office in Thailand when the news came through that his helicopter had been shot down. I was left with a hole in my heart that was only partially healed by multiple visits to The Wall. I saw Don’s face turning corners for years after coming back, and there are seven more friends of mine honored on the black granite.

Losing Red Haven, my mother and Grandfather Olson within a space of three years starting in 1980 did not bring the same sense of loss. Grandfather Olson speaks to me occasionally. How do I know? He is the only one who calls me “Lanny.”

Dad’s health and surgery are having a tremendous effect on my life. What is the difference?

First, sobriety. In the 1980’s I was able to drown my feelings in a bottle. I now have 21 plus years without alcohol. And, more than that, 21 plus years of emotional and spiritual growth, most of it in the past ten years. I remain grateful for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous for the scaffolding that has supported this process (and I am still member). I have developed a practice of mindfulness in Buddhism and the Tao and am now better able to examine my thoughts and emotions and decide which to follow and which to let go. I am now aware of my thoughts rather than being driven by them.

Not totally, however. My PTSD has shown me that thoughts and emotions can appear out of the blue. Often their strength and surprise brings on anger and tears. I have to seek the help of others to remind me that the state I’m in is temporary. In January 1991 I didn’t know about the anger and flashbacks and sought help from the VA. Iraq 2003 didn’t have quite the same effect. I now have both a grounding in spiritual practice and the experience of powerful emotions. Add sobriety, and I now have a clarity of body, mind and spirit to feel them.

Dad and I have been able to establish an adult-adult relationship over the past few years, and I give him due credit for his part in this blessing. He has been the patriarch of the family for quite some time, and I find myself being able to help him now through a very stressful time of his life. Sitting in the exam room while the physician gives him the news of his condition has been difficult. This is a set of two experiences I’ve not hard before. One is the actual office visit and the news. That’s hard enough because I am my father’s son. I look at his face and see me. I feel his confusion and fear. The other experience is being asked to walk with him during this segment of his journey. I feel so honored.

Meet the surgeon

I found a link to Dr Brian Louie at Swedish. I just knew there was something Canadian about him by the way he pronounced is “O’s.”

When we were at Powell’s in Portland I found a great little book titled The Needs of the Dying by David Kessler. It should be available at your library as it’s been out a while, but it’s inexpensive if you want to buy one. I bought it (and some others) simply because I have not been through what might be a final chapter of life with anyone like my father before. There is a need to be realistic and at the same time hopeful.

And on that subject, I’ve been asked the very thoughtful question: what makes this situation different from losses I’ve experienced in the past? I’ll share this in a bit.